An Understanding – DaySixtyFive

Hey guys,

Today I thought I would do something different for you. I’m going to be blogging for hopefully many years to come, I’ve been here since 2014. I just have removed a lot of my posts. However, visually, you haven’t seen much of what I am about. I thought I would like to open up, and show you more about what my eyes have seen and what my life is like for me and what is to come.

My name is Jessica, as you hopefully already know. I’m turning 21 next month, the big twenty one!

I have been born and raised in Sydney, Australia. I currently still live here, for a few more days. Here are some photos of the last time I visited
the harbour with my partner. This was after a work
conference, it was late in the evening and I remember it being really warm this evening. The lights made the
city radiate, and the city was so awake. If you have ever been to Sydney, you would know that the city never sleeps.

The opera house I have never been inside, personally
I’m not really into that kind of experience. But it doesn’t make the opera house less appealing to look at. It’s fascinating that people are always, always around these attractions. No matter what day, what time, what the weather is like – there are always people marvelling the attractions in the world. It’s a fascinating thought that when I am asleep there are probably handfuls of people awake and fascinated by what the city has to offer.

I haven’t always lived in the city. My home, that has been my home for my childhood – is up the mountains. The contrast is unreal, isn’t it?
When you take a moment to look between the two, 
it’s quite daunting. The people are constantly alive and awake, buzzing at all of the lights and the buildings – the architecture. But where I have been raised, it’s quiet. The tourists are around, but they are in the mountains – surrounded by rocks and trees, birds, bugs and creeks. When you are out here, you wake up with the sound of birds. Not the sound of traffic and people. It’s a completely different life. The further you leave the city, the more personal your life becomes. I’m so lucky that I have been raised in such a beautiful environment. I had a rough school life, sure, but when I subtract that away – I had it great. I’m so glad I didn’t get raised in the heart of the city.

The reason I live in the city now, is for this gem. He took my breath
away the moment I laid eyes on him. I remember when I first saw him, it’s a moment that I could never forget. It literally felt like the whole world stopped around me, it was such an intense feeling. My whole world was up rooted at that very moment. He was familiar to me, I was so comfortable yet I couldn’t find the right words to say. Looking into his eyes, I see the most pure human being. He is such a happy go lucky individual, he is such a good person. He literally is such a fantastic, good hearted person. When I look at him and I now, we have a surreal bond to when we first met. We were both so incredibly shy, we struggled to talk but we understood at the same time. We had to find out what was there, no matter what. It was something that we just knew. They say when you find your soul mate, it’s like you have known them your whole life. Everything that has happened in your life has happened for that very moment – I understand that now. I don’t understand what I was doing the years leading up to meeting my partner – but now I don’t care, because I got to reach him. If things hadn’t happened the way that they did, I would’ve had to wait longer to meet him. But the timing right now, it couldn’t be more right.

Life isn’t about the perfections – life is about the moments that happen seamlessly. Like walking to a doctors, and coming across a sign that can be so perfect for your current stand in life that a sign literally becomes a sign.

Or you decide you want a cat – and you happen to find the absolute most bonkers yet perfect cat in the world that we rescued covered in fleas that they were crawling over the poor babies eyes. Yet trusted us enough and loved us enough to let us heal, protect and love. This cat has become the strongest constant in my life. I miss my cat when I’m not around him, he is the most beautiful and alive cat I have ever met. When you look at him, you know someone is home looking right back at you. He understands when you talk to him, he is so smart and he has given us more than he could ever have imagined.

My life is starting to make sense, it’s starting to fall into place and I couldn’t be more relieved and happy at the same time. I was in such a dark place. I moved out of home at eighteen. I was living with a friend who didn’t need my burden, a friend who needed to help themselves and find out what they wanted to do with their life let alone try and help me. I believed they needed my help, but I made it worse. I didn’t know what to make of my life. I felt like my life was just ticking away and I couldn’t make use of my time wisely. I was in a dark cloud of depression and anxiety. I would wake up, succeed nothing in my day and repeat. I was wasting my life – throwing my time away, minute by minute with no one to blame but myself. I was hurting a lot of people around me, unintentionally and unforgivably. I didn’t know why I was doing anything, and neither did anyone else. I didn’t know how to help myself. I fucked up so bad, I lost the closest friend I have ever had. I grew up with that friend since I was sixteen years old, and she herself had a lot to deal with. I couldn’t apologize enough, there is nothing that I can do to resolve that damage that I had done but I can only hope that they know deep down I did not wish to burden them, ruin their life in anyway or cause intentional damage by any means. I wanted nothing but the best, I was trying to help and I thought that I was doing the right thing. I was wrong. I will forever feel a weight of guilt and regret. I also will always be apologetic to the people around me in that time, especially my family.

When I left that environment, I moved back home. Thankfully my parents were more than happy to assist me in that time. Literally in a matter of days my life changed for the better. Within months from that, I was comfortable in a job that was socially interactive and a environment where I could problem solve and assist people. I felt useful, and I met my soul mate. I was in a strong routine, my mind frame became lighter and brighter – I felt hope. I traveled to Melbourne, I boarded that plane by myself (with my bad anxiety, that was huge for me) and I knew where I needed to be. It was a matter of time before it became set in stone. 

Melbourne is where my partner and I are moving in 11 days, permanently. There will always be the chance that we will move back to Sydney, but Melbourne is something that we need to do. These photos are from a chocolate making shop that is in the valley, that day it was beautifully overcast and it was a chilly day. I can remember that day like the back of my hand and it just makes me smile. Melbourne is such a beautiful place. Home. Melbourne will be a start of a new journey, I want to find a home there. I already have work lined up, and I hope it bring me joy. I want to find something to put my passion into. I hope to grow my family down there, I hope my cat gets to find a nice sun spot in his new home and enjoy what environment he has around him. I hope my partner thrives in his new journey with me, and finds his true happiness in his life there.

What I am trying to explain is that, my life has been far from perfect. My mistakes were made entirely upon my own decisions. I may not have intentionally meant any harm, but sometimes you hurt those around you and it takes some time before you stop blaming everyone around you and you understand that it came from you – before you point the finger, take a look deep down and understand that sometimes you have to blame yourself. That probably doesn’t sound the most healthiest way because we aren’t trained to blame ourselves because “it’s bad”, but sometimes you can be a fucking asshole. We all can. We are all capable of being assholes. We need to stop blaming others, and apologize for our actions. It took me almost a year before I stopped blaming those around me, and I actually realized that I was the asshole. I will forever be apologetic, but sometimes when damage is done you just can’t fix it. It sucks, I’m still learning that it’s out of my control. I have a lot of built up aggression over what has happened in my life over the last few years, I’m struggling with my feelings – I have so much emotion that I can’t release, and I am learning to deal with it. My biggest fear is letting go, and I need to learn to let go. It’s not unhealthy to blame yourself, it’s unhealthy to hold onto situations that are unchangeable. You can feel like you don’t deserve to be happy, like you aren’t allowed to move on from your mistakes but that is wrong. You are allowed to be happy. It’s okay to laugh, to smile, to succeed. You can move on. Your past is merely a memory, when you learn that, it stops having control on your life.

So, you need to look at the positives in your present.

Sometimes, it can be the surprises in life that are unexpected, like handwritten notes with flowers on a bad day.

Sometimes, it can be when you have had such a stressful day that you tucker down with a good series on Netflix and they fall asleep on your shoulder. Knowing that someone feels that safe that they can sleep soundly on your shoulder is such a beautiful feeling.

Sometimes, it can even be the most smallest things that make you think about how crazy life is. We went through coins yesterday and found an Australian penny that was made in 1949. That penny has been around some crazy stories.

The simplest of things are key reminders that you are alive. You need to let go, you need to stop controlling life. Let the chips fall where they may. You can handle whatever life gives your way, with a positive mind frame you can conquer anything.

I have learned through all of my journeys that I am not my anxiety, I am not my pent up anger, I am not letting my experiences define who I am as a person. You can let all of these things control your life and slowly let them chip away at your happiness, or you can choose to recognize that they are there and learn to work with them in your day and put them where they can best serve. I have learned that if you put your anxieties where they are suited – it can really help you. If I put my anger into helping people and fighting for good causes, that will probably be incredible and motivate others to fight for good causes. I am yet to do that, but I most definitely will. You can use your flaws for the better. You can’t remove them, you can’t bottle them away – you need to work with them.

So, among all of this – things change, life is a constant roller coaster. You can’t have the good without the bad, and no good deed goes unpunished. But, I am here, I am alive and you need to make the most of what you have.

My name is Jessica, and this is DaySixtyFive.



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