Last Day Being Twenty

Hey everyone,

So today was a turn of events. The last few days have been mentally challenging for myself. Work was overwhelming, I couldn’t retain any information they were giving me because, well, it just wasn’t meant to gel. People say you can do anything if you put your mind to it, I feel like that saying is within certain restrictions. I was trying my best to provide the best I could, and I was coming empty handed. I was tested numerous times, anything below 85% was a fail. It was rough. This is within the IT realm, for all of you out there that don’t know – I’m an IT-aholic. I love tech, feed me tech for breakfast. But what I was required to know, was well above my knowledge comfort barriers – and even then trying to learn half of that shit was way above my head.

So, last night I had a mental breakdown pretty much. Every time I thought in my mind that I was stressed – my eyes instantly watered. I can’t handle anything that is too much right now, I feel like the last two years have been absolutely crazy for me. I’ve gone from one extreme to another, if you are new here I highly encourage you to read my earlier post this year here. It will give you more of an insight to what has been going on the last few years.

I just feel like you get to this certain point where you just snap. I feel like I have been doing really well with negative emotions the last few weeks, but I’m right back where I was. I’m just so angry – all over again. Last night I wanted to break something, like punch a hole in the wall. When I feel stuck in something in my life and I feel like no one will let me change it or have the freedom to make executive decisions – I get angry. It’s like feeling trapped when you have things you need to do, urgently. It’s crazy. I have no tolerance for things that I don’t like or don’t understand.

What has been making me feel this way was my job. I couldn’t understand it, I wasn’t advancing anywhere in my learning and I just couldn’t do it. It’s not that I wouldn’t do it, it’s that I literally couldn’t. Yesterday, they decided to leave me unsupervised doing some major work to a clients computer virtually and I didn’t know how to do what I was asked – and I literally panicked. My eyes couldn’t stop watering and I just snapped. My anxiety got the better of me. I pulled my composure together and asked for help for the entire thing – begrudgingly they did it and that was that. But when I’m failing all day everyday, with no positive feedback – it’s going to do something to a person. You know?

The last few months have been so rough in particular. My parents both were going through health concerns, luckily they’re at the end of that process now but this was all happening as my partner and I moved to a different state (It was actually really, really hard leaving – it made me feel so guilty and horrible) and then have no home, have to leave my cat (my fur baby) while we found a place for us all to live, shit finances – we didn’t expect that you would have to pay bond AND a months rent upfront – all on top of learning with our new jobs we were only getting paid monthly (we could barely afford our own groceries) and figure out where the hell we are even going in this new place – not to mention it’s my 21st birthday tomorrow!

So – yesterday just made me crack it. I can’t feel this way anymore, I’m beyond disconnected from myself at the moment. I decided to leave that workplace today, with my family and my partners (he has been my absolute rock) encouragement. I called my mum this morning as I was getting ready to go, and just having her encouragement and guidance – it just made me get upset. It was relief, it was comfort and it was support – I couldn’t help but get upset because it just felt so nice to have her assistance. Even though she is so far away, she feels so close to me at the same time. A mothers job is truly never finished, clearly.

So the open road for me now – I am on the hunt to find a job that I can balance my happiness with. I have to get to it. I’m upset, things feel challenging for me right now – I feel disconnected from myself and where I see myself in life. The thing is, people will use the excuse of that “You are only young” but come on, no matter what age you are you cope and handle situations as a human being – age has no judgement, just because you’re 12 years old doesn’t mean you don’t feel grief, excitement or stress. I’m just using 12 years as an example, but I hope you understand where I am coming from. Things can overwhelm and upset anyone, some situations damage more than most – for me, I bottle my emotions until I explode. I keep my emotions deep down and push them aside because I like to get shit done, but it catches me up.

The thing is to never give up, no matter how hard it gets. Things do get better, they always do. I have utter trust in the universe right now. Everything has a reason and a purpose.

Speak soon,
X

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