You have been a part of me for 20 years. You have seen me go to school on my very first day. You have been friends with my friends, you have seen my family grow older each and every day. You have stopped me from making bad friends. You have stopped me from branching out and taking different routes. You have been to the beach, you have felt the water in my nostrils and apparently swim to my brain. You have seen the lights being turned off and racing to my bed to get my legs off of the ground before something dangerous happens. You have stopped me from looking down when we are up high. You have stopped me from experiencing theme parks to the maximum. We don’t take taxis. We never put our hand up when we knew the answer. You made me think the worse of everyone around me. You stopped me from truly feeling anything at all. You have felt a throb in my neck and sent panic down my entire body. You have felt a headache at the back of my neck and wanted to protect me from any potential problems. I have told secrets and you have helped me see all sides to every potential bad situation that could arise. You overthink everything before I can say anything. If someone doesn’t reply, you automatically think the worse. You make me think that everyone dislikes me. You have helped me not be late for work in the morning, and tried to get me there earlier just in case anything happens. You overthink everything and anything. You have sleepless nights with me.
You have only wanted the best to happen, you don’t want anything bad to happen to me. You want to protect me. But you leave me breathless, tight in the chest and unable to concentrate. My throat closes in. My body sweats. I don’t want to be constantly worried about my health anymore – I want to know that a headache is just a headache and not have you whispering in my ear for worse matters. I don’t want to be scared to reach out to people. I don’t want to be scared to try new things. I don’t want my career pathway to be effected by you anymore. I don’t want to be scared when sometimes the best stories I have is when I looked passed you. I don’t want the friends that you bring along with you – sadness and anger. They are close with you, I know, but they aren’t good for you. Even when things are incredible, I am left waiting for bad things to happen. I can’t enjoy my life to the fullest. Right now, as I am typing this, you are louder than ever.
I have no idea how not to think without you.
I don’t need protecting anymore, I want you to rest yourself for a little while and let me take control for a bit. I want you to work with me, you can step in when it is okay to step in and you can be put towards positive use. You are like a spinning wheel that is spinning too fast that you are out of sync with all of my other wheels – it’s okay to slow down for a while. I want to be here to help you.
We can work together, you don’t need to take control anymore.
I am okay.