Hello blogging land!
Something that bothers me continually, every single day – is health. I hate health, so much. It annoys me so much that humans are mortal.
Why can’t I live with my cat and my partner for the rest of my life, and never leave my family either? Why can’t we all live forever and ever!?
People say when you get over the halfway mark you have almost completed everything you want in life, and you genuinely just want to peace out for the rest of your time. I find that so hard to believe. There are new things to see, new things to do, ways to make your day amazing every single day. Seeing the sun rise and the sun set every day is such a gift. Life is beautiful, I never want it do end. I never want anything to happen to anyone. Even strangers, I wish the best for them.
I wish people didn’t have to feel loss. I wish we always got to be with one another, never say goodbye to anyone or wish you had the chance to say goodbye. Illness and death is a fucking kick in the ballsack. I don’t have ballsacks, but if I did, they would be kicked. Numerous times.
I wish there were cures for all of the dangers out there. I wish that cancer was not something to fear. For all of us to fear. I wish there was a answer for everything. I wish so much for this world that I will probably not get the chance to see in my lifetime, or your lifetime. Sadly.
When I say how much I hate health even that makes me anxious. I love good health, almost too much that I fear losing it. The best way to think of being a hypochondriac is that you just care a lot about maintaining good health that you don’t want to lose it.
If you don’t know what a hypochondriac is, I found a little definition to explain it properly:
“Symptoms include a long-term and intense fear of having a serious condition and worry that minor symptoms indicate something serious. A person may frequently visit or switch doctors.”
You can read more here. Luckily for the doctors around me, I’m usually too terrified to even imagine going to the doctors over something even less than minor.
The thought that something bad could happen to my family or myself without knowing is terrifying. When you are a hypochondriac, it is impossible to tell the difference between when you should really be worrying or when you shouldn’t be worrying.
When I raise concerns in my health that I know I shouldn’t be concerned about, it’s to get that reassurance from people around me that I am okay. When someone tells me “I don’t know, go to the doctor?” it literally sets me off. It makes my entire body feel the strongest amount of fear, it’s unbelievable how scared I feel when I think of going to a doctor with a health concern.
I remember this one story that I would like to share with you all as an example. A few years ago now, I had the strongest of headaches that I have ever experienced, my eyes would just sting unbelievably and my head would pound. It was right at the back of my head and I would feel my head and think that I could feel a big lump, when I got my mum to have a feel of my head she laughed and said that it was normal and it was just my skull (I can see the humor in it now), but I genuinely was panicking for days about it. I remember it got so unbearable I could barely use my laptop around this time. Eventually, I had the feeling I had to go get my eyes checked out. I did, and I got reading glasses for eye strain. But the thing is, I was so terrified the entire time that I was worried it was something sinister.
If I overheat in bed from too many blankets, my brain still jumps to something sinister that I am gravely ill. If I have stomach pains, my brain still jumps to something sinister. If I even feel fatigued on some days, rather than assuming I am tired, I will jump over so many hurtles and just presume I am going to die. I was so anxious for my first day at work this week, I am pretty sure I have given myself a stomach ulcer or something – yet my mind is wondering else wise. It’s frustrating.
It’s absolutely exhausting. It honestly is the most terrifying, annoying, embarrassing thing to live with. I wouldn’t wish this for anyone. Those that also deal with it, I wish I could take it away from them.
I tried going vegan because vegans preach following their diet will keep you safe from sinister illnesses. When really, my mum was vegan for years and got told she was pretty much anemic. She followed absolutely everything accurately, if she was getting told she was anemic I can almost guarantee half of the vegans in this day and age should be seeing their doctors. There is no way she wasn’t getting the correct nutrition from her food, clearly her body type just cannot absorb the nutrition correctly on alternatives.
But what I am trying to say is, when people suggest going to the doctor, Googling things, telling you that you are being silly – whatever, as a hypochondriac, it is so hard to hear. Literally, anything can set you off when it comes to health, and it’s unable to be resolved. Even if a doctor tells you that you are fine, you still don’t believe it.
It’s such a hard thing to live in constant fear for your health, when you can be enjoying life instead.
If you know anyone that is a hypochondriac, I highly encourage you to just soothe them and tell them that they are okay even if they don’t believe it. You will make it worse by suggesting going to a doctor or to research it more, because then they will really freak out! I know I do! I ramble and raaaamble about health, it drives my family nuts. They have had to deal with it for years, they’ve gotten used to me just talking nonsense now even when I am believing what I am saying 150%. Basically – don’t show any signs to panic!
I guess for me, it’s concerning because I never know when to actually be concerned because I am constantly over reacting that one day I won’t over react and what if it becomes something to react over. Who knows. Life is weird.
Growing up it was easier because my mum is an incredible spiritual being, I used to find comfort in that if anything was wrong with me she would find out before I did! It’s literally exhausting. I am in constant fear of dying or getting sick. What is scary for me though, is sickness is scarier to me than death. Being told that there is something wrong with you at the doctors absolutely terrifies me, that feeling is making my chest tight even writing this. It’s hard to talk about the fear, so unbelievably hard. It’s just terrifying.
Anyway, that’s my health ramble for the day. I feel for all you hypochondriacs out there like me – it’s exhausting!
If you have any stories to share please do in the comment section down below of this post, I would love to read them.
Speak soon all,