[I just want to warn you if you have had a distressing experience relating to pregnancy there are some details in here that may be a bit triggering.]
If you are new here, I started blogging when my husband (yes, husband! We finally got married in December 2018. I’ll write a post on the special day soon) and I decided to move from NSW to VIC in Australia a few years ago.
It was by far one of the craziest ideas we have ever had.
We had a brand new kitten (who is now 3 years old, still just as devilish as always) and barely any money to spare.
The year after our move I remember for my husbands birthday, we only had about $100.00 in our bank account. I baked him muffins, and I went to a cheap dollar store to blow up some balloons around the house to try make the most of his special day. We didn’t have much, but we had a roof over our heads.
So, we took our dream of living in VIC by the horns and road the waves. We have settled in perfectly fine here now. Our money saving skills are mastered, and our cat still loves to destroy our couches and bend at our blinds in the living room – well, any room. He’s a bastard. Regardless, we made it.
We couldn’t be happier. At least, we thought we couldn’t be happier.
It all started by the tram. Weird place for epiphanies, I know. I was on my way home from work and it hit me. I remember smiling to myself, and saying internally that I was going to take a pregnancy test that night.
I cooked my husband and I pasta, I have no idea how I made dinner with it in the back of my mind. I couldn’t wait. I just had a feeling deep down that I should take a pregnancy test. My husband and I had only tried that month. I was even drinking wine those last few days because I was confident it wouldn’t happen so soon.
Bye bye wine, I miss you!
It was weird, I had no stereotypical symptoms like vomiting, fatigue, sore breasts or even missing a period. I thought for sure the test would be negative, but I just wanted to test anyway. I just… knew. Well, that night was the night I blew my husbands and I’s socks off. There was the faintest of lines that you could ever imagine.
I laughed as I texted my mum a photo saying “IS THIS REAL!?” and she responded “Go to the shops and get more!!” so of course at 8PM that night I dragged my husband (who at the time was nearly passing out from wisdom tooth pain, and probably pregnancy shock) and myself (giddy and over the moon) up the road to the Woolworths that was thankfully still open.
We purchased multiple tests made by different brands. For science.
Thank goodness for the pink dye tests, it came out positive straight away (more so than the blue dye which is less sensitive). I didn’t even need to pee properly, but my nervous pee seemed to succeed. Everyone was over the moon.
I frantically checked every single day onwards to see if I was still pregnant. I read all about chemical pregnancies, so I had a whole drawer full of peed on sticks, ew, I know. I couldn’t help myself I had to keep checking. I didn’t want to believe that my dream could be taken away from me at any minute.
Time went by quickly. I had positive results from doctors, and everything was going great. I remember having cravings for Malteasers, my mums favourite kind of chocolate. It was like a way of connecting through to me and to their grand mother.
By week 7, I started bleeding. It wasn’t a small amount of blood. I had never read a positive story of bleeding at week 7.
I have never felt such heart break before.
I took myself to work on the morning it started (somehow) but before I walked into the work building, I went to the public bathroom and there was still bleeding. I couldn’t walk into the office. I needed to be anywhere else but there. I called my boss from outside and explained everything, she wished me well and understood. She was there for my husband and I.
I called my mum, she stayed on the phone with me until my husband was able to come and get me as he was also on his way to work. All my mum could keep saying was how sorry she was, she felt my pain, and we cried together as it felt like everything was over.
I remember the look my husband and I gave each other when we saw each other as he arrived to get me, we both looked shattered.
We went straight to our doctor to see if they would see us, but the front counter denied us being seen due to being booked out. I told them that I’m pregnant and bleeding, and they genuinely seemed un phased. Furious, we left and managed to use one of our ultrasound referrals that didn’t have a date written on it (Sneaky, we know. We like to think we made our own luck out of the situation) and we booked an ultrasound that afternoon.
I remember lying down on the ultrasound bed, and I told them I have been bleeding and that I am not expecting good news. They understood. I was terrified to look at the screen, I didn’t want to hear anyone say anything.
I just wanted to enjoy feeling pregnant for one last time.
But then, we saw our baby, for the first time. Everything was okay. The ultrasound technician couldn’t see any cause for bleeding, and that my cervix was closed and everything seemed perfectly fine. It felt like a miracle. I still felt heart broken, fearful and confused. It was so surreal, that I almost struggled to turn the switch in my brain that everything was alright. We left that ultrasound meeting confused, exhausted, but so unbelievably happy.
I kept bleeding and that didn’t help soothe my fears. I continued to take pregnancy tests daily, I couldn’t settle. I wouldn’t wish the feeling on anyone. Every day I was terrified that that day could be the last with our baby. I dreaded going to the bathroom.
Over time, it lessened.
When we passed 12 weeks, I eased a bit, I felt like I was out of the firing line, which isn’t necessarily true. I still hold onto every single day with such precious care.
Every day that I am pregnant is an absolute blessing.
I wake up every single day with a purpose, my life has never felt so full. They have given me more than they can imagine. I love having them with me, we are together all day everyday. I may not get to hold them in my arms yet, but they are listening and they recognise my voice as well as my husbands. They’re making their mark with their kicks, flips and bubbly hiccups already.
When we saw our baby during our last ultrasound, we found out the gender (I won’t spoil it yet, you’ll have to wait and see!). We saw them sucking their thumb. They danced around, annoying the ultrasound technician trying to get a good look at them. We saw their beautiful spine, ribs, counted their toes and the doppler even tickled at their feet. We saw our baby.
That afternoon we went straight to the shops and bought them little bits and pieces which was an amazing experience to share together. We melted at how small babies socks are, and their little mittens! Baby things are too cute for this world.
Time has flown.
Tomorrow I start my third trimester, which starts 27 weeks and 3 days. We are nearly there. We have everything prepared and ready for them, and we can’t wait to meet them. I’m getting rounder by the day and my rings are getting harder to take off my fingers. Pregnancy doesn’t come with a glow, it comes with an insane amount of love and joy – regardless of how plump and bleh you feel!
We can’t wait to meet you little one.
If you are pregnant, have been pregnant, or know of someone who has been pregnant – share your story in the comments.