So, you may have noticed that I have been missing in action the last few days. I apologise if this is messily written, I have written this over a few days because I haven’t been able to sit down and properly write. I hope there’s no spelling errors – eek! Anyway, let’s get into it.
Our baby girl is here! Here is our story..
We arrived at the hospital on the 10th of February 2020 at 6:00AM and waited outside surgery admissions until 6:30AM for when they opened. Once they opened, we waited in the waiting area for our name to be called so we could confirm our identification and details.
It wasn’t long until our name was called, we confirmed our identifications and details, and two midwives came out to greet my husband Myles and I.
They took us through to a room to check my blood pressure and position of bub, which neither of the midwives were able to confirm her positioning. They let us pick her beanie that she would be able to wear when she was delivered, and we went ahead and chose the cutest turquoise beanie!
We then were brought through to the surgery waiting room, where we got changed into our scrubs and I waited on the bed to be seen. They confirmed her positioning as an unstable lie, and we were spoken to by the two doctors who were to perform our c section surgery and they ran through all the potential risks. I also was spoken to by the anesthetist who ran through the potential risks of delivering a baby under general anesthesia. Basically, this was where everything got terrifying for my husband and I and we began to realise what was happening. Our case was the least of ideal because she was only 38 weeks and 2 days, which is as you can imagine quite early. Still technically term, but imagine being told your baby has a high chance of intensive care when delivered also adding on the danger of resuscitation with general anesthesia on a newborn when delivering.
We waited in that surgery room for a long time. We were battling our minds, I was messaging my family on the bed in my scrubs with see through underwear that was 5 sizes too big and compression socks that kept making my big toe fall out of the breathing hole from me twiddling them from nerves.
Our surgery was beginning at 10:45AM, and when I got wheeled to the surgery room on the bed with Myles running behind me trying to keep up with the pace of the doctors everything began to move so fast I didn’t know whether to cry or just stay silent.
They had me move from the bed I was on onto the surgery table. I’ve never had surgery before, and knowingly lifting myself from my bed to the surgery table felt foreign. It felt cold, and everyone was talking at once and I wasn’t sure who I was supposed to be listening to or where I was to be directing my attention.
All I could remember was that I wished I held onto my belly where my baby girl was snug a little bit longer to have more time to prepare myself. I was petrified I wouldn’t wake up from the general anesthesia. I couldn’t believe it was happening. I literally had said to Myles moments before being wheeled into the surgery room, “We get ourselves into weird situations, don’t we?”.
They laid me down and started to get to it. They had to wait for the ‘baby team’ to arrive so they began to prepare me first, which involved a lot of weird sensations and things being inserted in my drips. They were advising me the whole time things would feel weird, uncomfortable and strange. They had to do this while I was awake to limit time under general anesthesia for our baby. I had oxygen held to me so I couldn’t respond to anyone because they needed my lungs to have additional air prior to it beginning. I remember holding my cheeks out a bit to make a gap because it was hard to breathe with the mask on.
They had to insert a catheter while I was awake, which was insanely uncomfortable if you ask me! They applied antibacterial gel all over my stomach and shaved my belly hair. They were all communicating together while I had the anesthetist and midwives by my head trying to talk to me comfortingly at the same time. I laid as still as I could, trying to be brave, but I was just terrified for what was happening. I can’t explain how scared I was. It didn’t feel like I was about to meet my baby.
Myles, my husband, was next to me holding my hand with the most terrified look I have ever seen. I was trying to be strong but I could tell my eyes were watering from not only fear but just overwhelming emotions from the situation and the voices surrounding us. I couldn’t look at him because I would have cried I just kept my eyes looking at the light shining on my stomach above. I could see the reflection with my stomach revealed, as I had a blue sheet hiding me from seeing anything so I tried to avoid looking at the reflection.
The nurses on my other side opposing Myles were holding my hand as well, repeatedly telling me that everything will be OK and trying to make small talk. I felt my arm go cold as they began to tell me that they were starting the process now and they told me to say goodbye to Myles.
Saying goodbye to Myles was the hardest part..
It was quick, and they had already started putting me to sleep but I gave him a quick kiss. I wasn’t able to say anything to him. They told me to just keep breathing while I felt the cool liquid go through my right arm and they held my throat down because apparently it was common for reflux to happen during this time. It felt like I was getting choked to death and I just allowed it to happen. It was the weirdest thing.
I don’t remember anything other than waking up to the feeling of sandpaper in my mouth, and my throat was unable to be cleared. I was insanely dehydrated. I saw Myles and began crying, as he passed me Quinn and they began trying to get her to latch and breastfeed as soon as I was coming to.
I didn’t know what was happening, I was waking up and holding this beautiful small being while asking for water all at the same time. I felt absolutely out of it.
I kept thanking everyone around me. All I could do was say thank you. Thank you for looking after my baby, seeing her alive and well was absolutely heart tugging. I was so grateful. I couldn’t stop saying how perfect she was.
I remember telling myself no matter how out of it I was, keep my cool and try and act as normal as you can so that you can go to the maternity room and be with Myles and your beautiful baby girl..
I was in such an insane amount of pain. They had a doctor by me asking me questions and adjusting my pain medication and monitoring me. I had straps up the wazoo all over my body and monitors everywhere. They had me dosed up on pain relief, and when things looked okay they began to wheel me through to our maternity room after Myles fed me a lemonade ice block to help me be hydrated.
When we got wheeled into the maternity room, we had a private room which was incredible and Myles was able to stay for the next 3 nights.
Our baby girl, Quinn, was incredible at recognising myself and my husband Myles. She was instantly soothed with us, and she never left our side. Myles says that she wasn’t able to be focused when she was delivered, but as soon as she heard my voice her eyes opened. I also have the most beautiful photo where as I’m coming to they have me holding her hand when I’m still out of it.
The first night was rough, I was so sore I couldn’t move from being in the same position they put me in from my surgery. I wasn’t fed, out of the whole day all I had was a small meal because I missed out on lunch and other things. I was starving.
I was so uncomfortable, and it is safe to say that I was absolutely traumatised from the experience and I wasn’t even awake for it. I couldn’t look at the birth photos, I could take photos of her in my arms and look at cute photos of her sleeping but I was terrified to look down at my stomach by any means and I refused to move in the bed.
I wasn’t able to help with her first diaper change, her first bath, her first change of clothes and things like that. I’m surprisingly alright with that, because at that point Myles wasn’t able to feed her at all and if you know anything about newborns they love food! I’m happy that every experience I have had doing that for Quinn is my first experience and is just as special to me as it would be at any point. She’s my princess.
The nurses told me they wanted me out of bed by the second day, and I was dreading it. I lost a lot of blood during the surgery, more than they were comfortable with, and my pulse was incredibly low. I felt so unwell and when you see my photos I am insanely pale and absolutely out of it. I’m only getting colour back to my face now and I’m on day 5 of my recovery.
So, by the second day, they came in to try and get me to move. They removed my catheter, and tried to encourage me to pee. I couldn’t even get up, movement felt like death. I tried to stand, but my blood pressure dropped and I was covered in sweat and I was insanely over heated and I had to sit back down. My left side was searing with pain I was convinced it had split open. The lady didn’t push me and told me they’ll try again tomorrow. But I still had no catheter, I had to get up to pee. I laid back in bed feeling defeated, and I cried because I wanted to change my baby girls diaper and look after her.
By the afternoon I was in such a bad amount of pain and Myles helped me get to the bathroom and pee. Even though I didn’t know if I needed to, I had no catheter I had to try. It was terrible couldn’t feel any sensation to go pee. I had absolutely zero feeling. So as you can imagine it started a whirlwind of, what the heck is happening? I tried Googling, and I couldn’t find much information on it. I was literally feeling like, crap, what if they have to cut me open again. I was so scared. Thankfully, after a few hours I could feel when I was peeing but not the urge to pee. It wasn’t until mid next day where the urge to pee had come back.
By the third day, I had an amazing midwife who oozed confidence and got me out of bed. I didn’t bring any shampoo, conditioner or body wash to clean myself with but she went ahead and got me all these delicious smelling girl things to wash myself and my hair with and got me in the shower. I was an absolute grandma walking to the shower, and Myles had to help me through it all but we did it. I also got to change Quinns diaper!
We had Myleses family visit, and they were in absolute awe with Quinn. We had such a good night the night prior so we felt like we were acing it. We woke up, were alive and chatty, felt like the day was ours. By that night, what a mistake it was not napping throughout the day.
We had hit the wall by the night on day 3…
I asked Myles to get some rest, so I could stay up with Quinn for an hour then he could take over. I put on a TV show on my phone and held her as she slept. I was so tired, I was dozing off holding her. It hit that hour, and Myles looked so peaceful I couldn’t bare to wake him up. I called in the midwife and asked her to help me put Quinn in her crib because I couldn’t get up. But as she came in, I cried, and cried, and the midwife was so apologetic because she hadn’t given me pain medication for 6 hours and I was well overdue. I was in so much pain. She took Quinn out with her to let Myles and I sleep, we ended up getting 4 hours of undisturbed sleep.
When we woke up, we were so lost without her we felt so uncomfortable. I had to explain to Myles she took her away so we could rest, I felt so guilty and like I had failed but I just didn’t want to wake him and I couldn’t get out of bed. I was bed ridden, and I felt useless. I was so embarrassed because we were due to go home the next day, and here we were getting our newborn taken away for a few hours so we could sleep. It was the most deflating feeling.
So it hit the fourth day and we were getting sent home. It was the first time I walked further than the bathroom. Myles was amazing and did lots of trips to load the car up, and then we were off. I walked all the way from our room to the car, and I felt unstoppable. I was in so much pain, but so dosed up at the same time it was manageable. Quinn loved her car trip home, she didn’t cry once. She loved being in the car when I was pregnant, it’s when I felt her most movement besides the early hours of the morning.
This is when things became hard for us. My intention was nursing, but I have such bad nipple damage from bad latching, where my nipples are beyond cracked and bleeding. They’re borderline infected. I’ve been struggling with nursing feeds, so we are manually pumping and using formula supplementing until we can take things from there. I have been battling being mad with my body, to completely understanding the struggles my body is going through.
We have had issues with Quinn being so upset from not being able to get food from my breasts because of the damage, we had such a struggle, but bottle feeding is an absolute life saver. Thank god for bottles. I have been able to express and provide my breast milk for her with this crap manual pump I bought early on in my pregnant (we have a proper pump coming this coming week so I can do it properly!) and I will continue to do my best to pump. I’ll try to reintroduce my breast in my own time when they have recovered from the damage.
I have to say, the only surgery I have ever heard of where you are expected to be up and moving, and be absolutely fine without any complaints in a manner of days is a c section. It is such a hard, challenging journey.
I will never understand nor respect anyone who says c sections are the easy way out. They don’t understand the journey, and the challenges that you face when you go through such a traumatic experience and then have to try be a new first time parent at the same time and go through the waves of parenting in the first few days.
The healing is terrifying, I am so scared to stretch my torso the entire way. I am so afraid to split myself open. I wasn’t able to look at my stomach in the mirror properly until yesterday. I can now look at the child birth photos, but honestly the whole experience was just… Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
Myles and I think we have a bit of the baby blues, mainly because it was so large of an experience. It was just the biggest thing we have ever done in our lives.
I don’t believe having a natural delivery was in the cards for us, of course we didn’t have a choice with Quinn being breech, but I truly believe everything has happened the way it was supposed to. I really do. I have no regrets, and I don’t think Myles and I could be doing anything better than what we are now.
I am so unbelievably proud of my husband Myles. He has bent himself backwards for myself and Quinn this last week. He changed my pads, showered me, fed me, provided me with hydration when needed and I was to weak to hold my own water bottle. He’s not only taken on the role of being a father for the first time, but he took on the role of being my nurse as well! He has been an absolute superstar. He’s so fantastic. I couldn’t have married a better man, I truly couldn’t. I love him so unbelievably much.
This whole experience has brought me closer to my husband in ways I could never have imagined. I am so, so grateful for him. I’m truly blessed. I have such a healthy, strong newborn that is exceeding expectations and is so much more than I could ever have dreamed.
I sing to her that she’s my beautiful girl continually, because she is that and more. She’s absolutely amazing. I am so in love.
I would do it all over again for her..
My magical sweet girl. No one is ever going to hurt you. Myself and your father are going to treasure every second with you. Please keep getting stronger, braver and more you every single day and never ever feel unloved. You are so, so loved. You’re surrounded by the most wonderful people in this world. My family and Myleses family are going to treasure her every single day.
Thank you for reading our experience..
Please join me in welcoming Quinn Kate to this world of magical mysteries! She’s a true blessing.